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25 Slayer Branded Products That Make More Sense Than Slayer Wine

Fuckin’ Slayer.  I mean come on guys.  Wine?!

Slayer has put their name on a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, calling it Reign In Blood Red.  Did you guys forget who the hell you are?  Remember… Show No Mercy, Hell Awaits, War Ensemble, Hallowed Point, etc.   Do these song titles bring to mind the complex unique wood flavors and strong fruit aroma of a freshly decanted glass of Cabernet Sauvignon?  Is this what you sip when blasting South of Heaven at max volume? Perhaps served with some exquisite sliced Brie?

Endorsing products by slapping your band name on them is a tacky proposition for any band.  I understand you gotta make a living, but let’s not forget you are artists and you have cultivated a certain image and attitude.  Wine is not part of that.  When Kerry King did the Jägermeister commercial I thought, well that makes sense, good fit.  But Slayer Wine?!  No.  It’s not as ridiculous as the Grave Digger shampoo that recently came out but still, it’s inappropriate and a bit silly.  Maybe Slayer need some advice on what type of products they can lend their name to that won’t seem so out of character with their legacy.  I’m here to help.

Suggested Slayer products

  1. Slayer spiked dog collars
  2. Slayer hunting knives
  3. Slayer shotguns
  4. Slayer brass knuckles
  5. Slayer gauze pads
  6. Slayer blood collection vials
  7. Slayer claw hammers
  8. Slayer radial arm saws
  9. Slayer pepper spray
  10. Slayer gravestones
  11. Slayer crossbow bolts
  12. Slayer nunchucks
  13. Slayer heavy duty transport chain with clevis grab hooks
  14. Slayer insect spray
  15. Slayer rat traps
  16. Slayer scythes
  17. Slayer paper shredders
  18. Slayer meat grinders
  19. Slayer crane forks
  20. Slayer vibro rippers
  21. Slayer bow shackles
  22. Slayer hydraulic crushers
  23. Slayer melting furnaces
  24. Slayer blow torches
  25. Slayer demolition shears

I’m sure any of these fine product ideas would put money in Slayer’s pockets while maintaining their image as a vicious and aggressive thrash band that will give you a good pummeling.

1 Comment

  1. Shahir

    Hilarious article! XD I thought it was really freaking odd of them to endorse WINE of all products. I find it strange when bands like this do such things (except for Selloutica).
    I just hope other good bands from the 80’s follow in the same vein – I’d hate to see ‘King Diamond necklaces’…

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